A contractual relationship

Happiness in a relationship is not based solely on the choice of a suitable partner, but maturity is an attribute that is very important in this case-a fact proven by my own experience. The formation of a couple, a family, is done “out of nothing” since the two people were strangers to each other, at least initially. Nothing “was given,” everything was created in this duo. Each party has the responsibility to make the relationship more important every day. We do not deserve everything if we consider our own person to be “the most important” … It is true that we all deserve to be happy and we are all wonderful, but do not forget: “couple” is not just an individual but two . However, the relationship does not get perfect if people are involved. A “contractual” relationship involves expectations, needs and reciprocity.

You can be one of those who “does not need books to learn things” about life in general, which I disagree with. We really learn from our own experiences over time, but this is often the case, sometimes wrong with the people who love us.

Communicate better

In a relationship it is important to be able to … think before speaking.
Otherwise, any couple gets stuck when they are not communicating, and usually this happens when there is no respect. Respect means we can appreciate the opinion and position of the other, whether you agree or disagree. Listening, we were showing that for us the person in front has value.

Learn to be better

Seek to be in touch with your partner / partner like in a dance. However, it can happen that both of them play their role perfectly and, from the outside, everything seems perfect, although they are no longer in music. We invest time in a bunch of things, passions or friends. Why would not I do the same with my life partner? In the end, it is the person who has an important influence on us, what we call a “happy life” … As we read articles and do courses, we can do so in the couple to keep ourselves open to learning to be better people. That’s why we have psychologists, different works, courses, etc. And the experience counts … of course … a good example would be series 4, episode 4, Black Mirror-“Hang The DJ 4”.

Always remember to remain curious

Development involves novelty, curiosity – and therefore risks. “In difficult or challenging situations you both can learn from what makes those situations difficult for you,” says Janet Zinn, a therapist in New York. “And you will grow through the process. In this way both of you will get the satisfaction and the pride of finding ways to overcome the obstacle …. Remember that the partner will change over time and the only way to stay in touch is through curiosity. By opening up and accepting the way he or she is changing. It will give you the opportunity to analyze the way you have changed. “Esther Perel said that, asking a couple who was their secret, he received the following answer:” We tried everything we could and if we liked it we would do it again “.
Anytime you can ask your partner, “What can I do for you?”, “What could I do for you for a beautiful evening?”, “What did you appreciate from what I did this week?” was the most intense moment for you this week? What caused you? ” People change and to have a relationship with them you need to know them.

“Curiosity is what often attracts us to a relationship, and its lack separates us.”

Listen actively

There is a big difference between listening (involves understanding the message being transmitted, meaning tone, words, breath, beliefs) and hearing.
When you give a quick answer it may mean you just waited for a talk. But sometimes, we hurry to talk about ourselves, about what we think and want. You could take a few seconds to pause before answering.
Another thing I did not understand, especially as a man, is that a woman often wants to be just obedient and understanding, she does not necessarily want to find a solution to her problems or to the challenges she has met. Be there just to listen …
I think it helps a lot to accept the other person’s communication, even if you do not agree with his message or position-his opinion. Acceptance makes communication continue. And yes, you could try to feel or try to see the “shoes” of the person in front of you.

Write down what you feel and what you say

In many moments, our words may be inappropriate, criticized, judged, hurting the person in front of you. Communicating what we feel is good, but without games such as “protest polka” or “looking for guilty,” as psychologist Sue Johnson says. So it is good that at times when the discussion could no longer continue to write nicely what we felt, what triggered our reaction and what we wanted for later the other could understand and respond to our “letter”.

Criticism never changes people, nor encourages or shames, but only blocks it. Direct criticism is to be avoided.

A man changes when he is understood, and when he is given room to do so.

Practice positiveness

In many papers we find this suggestion to make our life better … happier.
Optimism is like the presence of the sun: it makes everything more beautiful and, often, “makes things happen”.
Optimism is similar to belief – things can be better if we believe that. To illustrate metaphorically this idea, the story of the two wolves that struggle is edifying: one is evil, the other the good, and although they have equal powers, it will win the one you feed. For the most pragmatic: if you deposit money at the bank (positive emotions), you will have credit (the relationship remains beneficial) in heavier moments (physical or emotional withdrawal).

The Power of the Break

A break is healthy if it stops things before it gets worse.

Let’s not forget that thinking and, implicitly, behavior in the event of a conflict “will automatically go” into “fight or run” mode, when we are no longer able to make sophisticated decisions based on the real context.

Have contact…

What makes the relationship of couple different from other relationships (usually) is physical contact, hugs or even more. By touching “we receive” appreciation, comfort, safety, love according to the associations we make with these acts. Each of us has his own language of love.

Using “I” is not selfish, it’s real

I started using “Me” instead of “You” from the moment I realized I was not able to talk about the other but just about me. We never know the story of the other, the related affections. I can only feel my own feelings, I can only know my thoughts and what I want.

In case of conflict, “formulates” what bothers you to your partner so you can tell what upset you. When you assume the position of “accuser” hinder communication, you create frustrations. Everything that starts with “you” = criticizes. This will cause a defense defense that brings with it other problems, not solutions.

For example, you could say “I can understand that I have contributed … that my expression … that my approach …” – using this expression we say we accept that we have a responsibility vis-à-vis those happened.

PS for married couples:

There is the belief that when you have children, they will reveal all things that go wrong in a relationship. However, some marriages become stronger if each partner does not “pause” the relationship as children grow up, assuming their role in this duo.